True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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