Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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