she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
