My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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