I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
