she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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