It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
