I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
