WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
