the condom got lost in my hair
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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