ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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