final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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