I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
