Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
