I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i need to put some appletini on your dick
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
