Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
