If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
