You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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