I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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