I am puke
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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