I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
