Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
