I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
