Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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