I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
