I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
