gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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