saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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