He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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