So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
