I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
and you fell through a lawn chair
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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