i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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