I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
