i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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