YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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