ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
