Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
