He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
