Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
