apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh god it's open bar.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
