When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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