I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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