I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
