guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
