Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
