i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
