Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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