Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
