im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Too much gin, very little bucket
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
