mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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